Communication Transmission Breakdown

[Nod Ohrath'zeen]

"Anxiety is there. It is only sleeping. Its breath quivers perpetually through man's being."
Martin Heidegger WHAT IS METAPHYSICS

I have a communication problem...here's a small part of it---i hate phones & really loath cell phones-they are evil-i say that though i have one. But that is just the tip of the issue. I've had this problem awhile. Since about '98. Sometimes i have tried to deal with these issues in the form of my stories-with some success on a personal level-
but it never translated to others what i was dealing with & those stories froze over with the lack of interaction.

Anyway lately i've been reading this book---called ALONE WITH OTHERS by Stephen Batchelor-author also of BUDDHISM WITHOUT BELIEFS & LIVING WITH THE DEVIL-all very great works-very inspired...life changing even.

Well here's the part in ALONE WITH OTHERS that slapped me in the face...the stuff about Being alone was to the point-& i got it-you know the difference between Being-just Being vs. Needing stuff. It was the stuff about being inauthentic with others-that screwed me up...because it forced me for the first time in a while to admit-that somewhere along a long & depressing road...i had shut off myself & was leading an inauthentic life. In the book being inauthentic with others had three modes-the first we seek only those others who we desire & that Superficially-next we avoid those we think are repugnant & as for the rest we are indifferent to them...& that has been me to at 't'. People are people-i'm no better nor worth less...they are each wanting the same as i-to live-to find happiness-they are not objects. & while i have been this way-i was always deeply upset & needing real authentic moments & experiences with others. I mean i have put forth very clumsy efforts to try & communicate...but always without getting this. & let's be honest i have looked into the root suffering of
self-concern & i have tried mostly not to point to others-but to myself as well-but even then somewhere along the times...in the silence of the disconnected communication line i shut off & became the same...oh it was harmless enough-i mean i never blew up into ridiculous drama for others to watch like some sordid 'reality' show...i never burned a bridge-though i might have let some freeze over in the distance between our conversations. some of this is due to how i dealt with grade school & how i deal with working that blue collar job-because who wants to be real at work? It's so much easier to shell up-find a mask & get to it...i can even joke all day-but i don't have to be real.

& you know nothing is wrong at this moment-all are present & accounted for i have my partner & my cat & have been happy enough with that most of the time-but sometimes i start to wonder where are the others...so now it's just that i'm starting to try to be real-& not just this colorful profile picture...of a fiction. I guess we all have to wake up sometime & that is a part of the Path finally-we just happen to get lost in the details.

well here's to Life & the Joy of Being-Alone & with Others!!!

Nod